her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
