I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
