i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I am one with the molecules
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
