i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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