He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
