Already got asked if we're dating
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
