i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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