I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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