i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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