You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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