My Higher Power is John Stamos
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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