By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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