I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
