I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
