peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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