Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
