I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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