I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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