somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
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Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
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She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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