remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
