So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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