i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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