I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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