We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
