Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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