I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
