I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
