Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize