I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
she smelled like a LAN party
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
