I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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