Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
