after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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