There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
