Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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