The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
