Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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