...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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