If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
