birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
