We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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