I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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