i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
