the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
