its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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