Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
