Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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