I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
