I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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