I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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