I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.