Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that