I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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