She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just had sex on a roof