so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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