that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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