shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
