just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
