My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
