Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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