she told me i tasted like america
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
