I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
