someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
