My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
