writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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